Sod it - From now on I’m a writer

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Ever had one of those moments like the first time you get on an airplane and life as you know it just drops away? A change in consciousness. A new beginning. I had one today. From today, I'm leaving behind my past life as a businessman, salesman and 'computer guy'. From now on, I'm a writer.

I've been writing for a while already in my spare time of course, and hoping that eventually I'd find some way to make a living from it. The problem with that is, as long as I do it in my spare time, as long as I'm 'hoping', it doesn't matter if it never happens. It can always be a dream. I can always pretend I would've been successful at it if I'd only had more time, more money, more connections, whatever.

The truth is, I will never find out if I have what it takes to make a living as a writer unless I try it. I would rather try it and fail than keep wondering. I have failed at things before and it wasn't so bad. I built up a computer training and graphic design business from scratch, threw everything I had at it for several years and it failed. It sent me bankrupt. I don't care if what I try fails. I only care if I fail to try.

I have spent most of my life doing things that involve leading or teaching people. It just seems to happen. Whenever I'm with a bunch of people I end up as leader unless I make a conscious effort not to. I have always been somewhat puzzled by this, but in my various dealings with people I have discovered two things:

1) People tell me I explain things well
2) I seem to inspire people

The first is mostly a product of my personality I'm fairly sure. I like to think and analyse things to learn how they work, especially abstract and complex things. Then I like to share what I've discovered so that others can experience the joy I derive from understanding things.

The second is more puzzling to me. I don't set out to inspire people. From my attempts to find out why people find me inspiring it seems to me to be mostly because I follow my own path. I don't set out to be a rule-breaker but I choose not to follow the ones that pander to weakness and mediocrity. This is because life is short and there isn't time to waste on crap. There is no time to be too afraid of life to live it. It is over all too soon. Instead of running at the pace of the slowest person, I believe in helping the slowest person run faster. That's pretty much all you need to know about me really.

Writing seems to be a natural fit for these two qualities. I have a good reputation already as someone who understands computers and makes them accessible to people. I tend to generate a 'buzz' with whatever I get involved in. I'm fairly sure this is the main reason my business got as far as it did. It really wasn't that well-structured and it never came close to making any money, but there was always a buzz about what we were doing.

The problem with the business in the end and with working as a computer trainer was that no matter how exciting it can be, it was always about what someone else wanted. For someone who has natural ability at many things, it can be surprisingly difficult to follow your true passions. It's sometimes hard to differentiate between the satisfaction that comes from the adulation of others and the satisfaction that comes from doing what truly makes you happy.

Sometimes, looking back, the directions life takes can be telling. I have always enjoyed writing since I was little. I had a poem published in the school newsletter in Year 1. I wrote short stories and started several novels before my teens before invariably losing interest when distracted by the next exciting thing. My written exams and assignments always received top marks and I incurred the wrath of many teachers who hated the fact I never wrote drafts and just wrote the finished version the day it was due.

Eventually I hit some troubled times in my teenage years. I stopped writing, though that was not a conscious decision at the time. I also stopped doing a lot of the things that made me happy. I became Serious. I spent my time with serious people whom I suspect now also did not do things that made them happy. Somehow I had convinced myself that feeding my soul was like feeding the stray cat - it would only come back for more and I'd end up having to look after it.

Being myself meant I would have to face up to being different to everyone else, and at that time what I wanted more than anything else was to be liked and accepted. Eventually that idea fell apart when I realised I didn't really like or accept any of these crazy people I was associating myself with.

Things truly changed last year when I discovered something important. When the business I was running fell apart, I didn't. Some of the people, things and ideas I had in my life were there because of what I could do, some were part of my life because of the person I was. When the business failed, it suddenly became clear which was which.

Failure and the resulting bankruptcy gave me freedom. Freedom to find myself, freedom to be myself. It was hard at first. I felt like I had nothing and was nothing. But little by little I've been putting the pieces together and finding who I am. In doing so I've been surprised not only to find that I like myself a lot, but also that I've been here the whole time. Best of all, I am free.

So from now on, I'm a writer. I'm going to make a living by having interesting ideas and sharing them with people through writing. I don't know how exactly I will do this, but I have some interesting ideas about that so I'll start by sharing those in my next post. In fact I'll be sharing my whole journey in this new career. In my next post I'll write about how much money I've made so far from this blog, how much traffic I get and where it comes from. I'll set some goals for myself for my new writing career and report back in 30 days to tell you how I'm doing.

I'm excited and grateful that the technology exists to share this experience as it happens with anyone who wants to know. If you're interested in following, why not subscribe to my RSS feed? If you're not sure how an RSS feed works, read this.

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